Dear reader, I miss you. Yes, I’ve been hiding behind excuses, but here I am, back with a raw extract from myself through my iPhone notes:
My body has gotten bigger. The rush of dopamine is needed in the form of sex, Ben & Jerry’s, bread and butter… It’s like I’m protecting myself against something. But what is it? Is it the upcoming move to Hamburg? Is it the stress from working 8+ hours? Is it being back to feeling in love?
We usually talk about how disrespectful it is to cheat on someone, but we frequently forget how ugly it is to cheat on ourselves, on our goals, on our diets, on our wants and needs...
Lately, not being able to set boundaries and respect them has been paying off harshly.
Why can’t I allow myself to simply say:
I don’t want to talk.
I can’t handle so many tasks.
I don’t want to go.
I want to sleep early.
I need help.
I don’t want to stay longer.
I want to be alone.
I don’t like this.
I need this.
I have the time, but I don’t want to.
Well, the simple act of writing that makes me feel guilty.
It’s the same with my posture. My shoulders are bending forward more than before and I remember that some years ago, I realized that standing straight and tall makes me feel prepotent and presumptuous. I would rather stay small; I prefer to curve my spine, hide my chest, and look relaxed.
I hate it. Why do I pretend to be a sheep when I’m actually a lion?
Why do I feel like I’m owned by the world and not by myself? (Pisces rising, is that you?) I am sick of it.
This sacrificial behavior has been so visible that it wasn’t me who realized I needed to learn to say “no”; it was two men who pointed it out: my boyfriend B and my boss J.
“You need to learn to say no… even to me.”
“If you need time to not be available, just say it. I would understand.”
When they said that, I felt relief, on one hand because I felt like my efforts were being seen (how sick is that?) and on the other, because I was being given permission to say no (how sad is that? Why do I need permission for it?)
But what’s worse is that my mind rushes to find solutions to avoid having to ask them for that.
Why?
Because to set boundaries feels unsafe.
For me, unconsciously, love feels like not being enough, like I have to prove my worth, my ability to do things and an eternal search for perfection. (Virgo descendant, is that you?)
When I was a kid, I learned that earning recognition and love meant not doing what I wanted, but what was expected.
I wanted to welcome my dad with a hug; he asked me to organize my shoes first.
Whenever I got mad, my mom would make me feel guilty about feeling that way.
And saying no was always followed by a threaten.
Anxiety. I was born anxious, and 34 years later I still struggle with it. Lately, the reason is I am drowning under infinite tasks, at work, in relationships, in life…
I'm reaching a boiling point. I feel like a scorpion or a bee that, at the slightest touch, gets defensive. Everything, and everyone, feels like a burden…
I feel bad writing that, but it’s the truth.
I’m also angry at myself for giving away my power by putting others first. I feel like I’m abusing myself.
What am I trying to prove?
Will I ever be able to find a balance between what I need and what others need from me?
Will I ever feel like I’m enough?
Will I always feel like I need to sacrifice myself to be loved?
But this time, the gift of wisdom is allowing myself to recognize it, bring it to therapy, and continue the journey.
I guess this is what it feels like to heal, a spiral of ups and downs around the same wounds across different stages of our lives.
It’s a ride, an adventure full of emotions. It’s life.
I love you, you are enough, and you were born with the right to say no.
Thank you!
Te quieeero